The realization that I won't truly deal with his death until my feet hit home.
January 26, 2021
9:02 am
Somewhere over Indiana
If I'm being honest, being in Kansas was easy. It wasn't until right now, beginning our decent into Michigan that I realize how much easier it was being away. I didn't have to hear anyone else cry, see their tears, feel their sadness. I didn't have to go to the scene where we lost him. It all had a way of seeming so unreal. But im about to be forced into the reality of this situation. The reality of finally accepting that he's gone. Someone who I looked up to. A man who I fought and argued with, but truly admired. Why couldn't I have just stayed in Kansas? A week ago today, it was my day off from a very strenuous training schedule at the Kansas City Speedway store. It was already a weird day off given Covid Lifestyle, but we were determined to make the best of it. We went shopping and had sushi for lunch. Everything was okay. I took an amazing nap that made me almost late for dinner at a Louisiana kitchen style restaurant right outside of our hotel. It was Nichole, Jason, and me. I was very much looking forward to tasting some new things I haven't had before. Well, somewhat tasting. Everything was okay. But then..it wasn't. It started with a text message from Dani: an SVSU alert that there was a shooting near Hooters on Bay Road. I was worried, but in the mindset that everyone has: "It can't be anyone I know." Then, I had two people at the exact same time asking if I was okay. I got the screenshot from some forum saying "someone was shot in the head." I've never cried like that. Screamed like that. Panicked like that..in public. Sitting in a restaurant. I ran outside to call Marissa. Something was wrong. I felt it. Something wasn't sitting just right. But her voice and her words calmed me. Why was I freaking out over something seemingly random? I sat back down at my table and the three of us talked through some other possibilities of happenings in my home state and then we ate our dinners and talked about more things that I wish I remembered. Everything was okay. An hour later.. I read it. I called her for confirmation..but neither of us had to even say words. I've always taken pride in being able to help my friends (or even strangers) through life's hardships. I, somehow, have always had a way of finding words to help people feel better, accept their situation, or just push passed it. But what do I say here? I had never felt this lost. This shocked. I now had an entire group of people who were completely broken, and I had no clue what to say to them.. How do I make them feel better? ..How do I make myself feel better.. In an instant.. Everything was not okay. And now, I have to do all of this again. In person. I have to see it all. See all of them. For some reason, without seeing any of it in person, your mind has a way of creating it into an illusion. There's still that possibility that its all a dream. That none of this ever actually happened. It was when I booked my flight that I began to feel better. Getting the chance to go home. The opportunity to have closure. But now..? Now, I suddenly realize that I actually have to deal with it. Not just cry about it, post about it or think about it. I have to DEAL with my emotions and figure out how to get through this.. We just landed.. If I'm being honest, being in Kansas was easy.
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